Bathrooms

I didn't realize until a couple years ago, how much of a big deal bathrooms were for Anneke. Since s/he cut her hair short, and was old enough not to be accompanied all the time, s/he had negative experiences going into the women's washroom. Her coping strategy was to ask her little sister M. to come with her, as her entry pass into the washroom. Instintively M. seemed to understand and always come along. She still will when asked

We gravitate towards restaurants, swimming pools, and venues that have universal changerooms and family bathrooms. Most families don't worry about such things.
In most places now A. goes into the men's washroom. I am occasionally worried about this. S/he and I went to a Cannucks game recently, and s/he left to go to the bathroom. Hockey crowds, men and lots of beer, does not make a mom warm and fuzzy about sending thier kid alone into the washroom. It was fine, but it reminded me of safety issues and the need for more family friendly washrooms.

At school A. confesses that s/he only uses that bathroom when parents aren't around to comment, and s/he makes sure the kids there all know her. If s/he can s/he holds it until s/he gets home. I was relieved to learn that familes of other gender non-conforming kids face this issue all the time as well. It makes you wonder why we separate the bathrooms anyway, and who are these women policing the washroom making kids feel bad for chosing a bathroom they feel comfortable in. My "mama bear" instincts just want to slap them. When I've said that to A., s/he is the voice of restraint. "They don't know mom, just be nice," s/he'd say.
M. her little sister (pictured above with A.) sees it the clearest. "That's just stupid" she states when we explain why some people comment on A. using the women's bathroom. "Who cares?" she says. Who cares indeed.

Hockey hero

For those who don't already know, hockey is A's passion. This year s/he has been a goalie, instead of defense. S/he has played since s/he was 4 years old. S/he is currently in a 'girls' league and loves it. The past 2 years s/he has also played in a North Vancouver c0-ed league in the spring. Since s/he has asked us not to correct or declare her gender to anyone, most of last spring passed by without anyone realizing s/he was natally female. The rest of the team were boys. Other mom's made of point of telling me how polite my son was, and how helpful he was to his team-mates. I'd say 'thank you' knowing what a great kid I have.
Needless to say, there were some shocked little boys and parents when they realized this amazing player was, in fact, female.
The past two weekends have been spend at two separate hockey tournaments. The pictures here are from one with her Pee Wee Team - the Vancouver Angels and the Richmond tournament. S/he won Most Valuable Player at the final game of the tournament. S/he is such an amazing goalie, s/he was asked to play goalie for the Vancouver Angels Midget team with girls aged 15-19. They adore her, and she loves doing it.
One of A's biggest worries about considering transitioning one day to male is that she might no longer be allowed to play hockey with the Angels. I have told her not to worry. The team would never let her go. On the brighter side, for A, she reminded me that if s/he were male, s/he could play in the NHL. Watch out Cannucks - here comes my kid!

Anneke and her iPod

Gender what?

When I tell folks A. is gender fluid I am most often greeted by a polite smile and an uncomfortable pause. Understandable really... I just learned the term about a year ago at the Gender Spectrum Families conference in Seattle (www.genderspectrumfamily.org). It fit so perfectly to A. and her current gender identity. S/he agrees too. A. was one of the few kids at the conference who did not feel trans-gendered, trapped in the body of the gender they did not identify as. Some days she feels male, others more female.

I found this great definition;

gender fluid
Gender Fluid is a gender identity best described as a dynamic mix of boy and girl. A person who is Gender Fluid may always feel like a mix of the two traditional genders, but may feel more boy some days, and more girl other days.
Being Gender Fluid has nothing to do with which set of genitalia one has, nor their sexual orientation.
No, I'm not a boy, and I'm not a girl either. I am gender fluid.

I frequently ask A. if she prefers being referred to as he or she.
"I don't really care," is her most common reply.
As a parent, I have to say this in between place is hard. From birth you are asked if you had a girl or a boy - a decision is made and an identity is assigned (whether we like it or not.) I often catch myself feeling impatient, just wanting her to decide on a gender. It's clearly not that simple.
I remind myself that its not about me - its about Anneke. S/he is gender fluid and happy. How hard it must be to be 12 and be gender fluid. How brave it is to firmly, and with certainty maintain that gender fluidity despite the intense pressure from society and peers.
At the conference midwife, author and educator Stephanie Brill said it best - "Listen to your child, they know who they are, it it often won't fit into our preconceived notions of gender - they know who they are, we just have to listen and learn."

the underwear affair

So, as anyone who has raised a toddler knows, one of the major milestones is toilet training. For months we built up the joy of “big-girl underwear”. Finally we had succeeded in accident free days and made the pilgrimage to Zellers to buy "big-girl" underwear. I told Anneke she could pick anything she wanted. I think she was about 2, maybe 2 and a half. She quietly scrutinized the array of choices for a long time – Barbie, Strawberry shortcake, flowers, girl-power…who knew there were so many choices? As she moved further down the isle her eyes lit up and she reached for her choice – Superman underwear, with the matching t-shirt.

“This is what I want, mommy”

“But, sweetie, that’s for boys.” I nervously replied.

“You said I could pick anything I want!”

Once we established, nothing in the girls section would do for this special day, I bought the Superman underwear. She wore the T-shirt under her clothes for over a week. We had to keep washing that underwear, since it was the only pair she would wear.

Since then we reverted briefly do girls “sporty” underwear, then to boxer shorts (men’s).

One of our close friends shared that she has been wearing boxers for years, and will never go back – they are so comfortable. She and her dad now fight over who’s boxers are who's –it’s very cute.

Like father, like son

I love this picture. B and Anneke, walk alike, dress alike and fight over socks and underwear on a regular basis. People often ask if we plan to have another child, to have a son. B. (who is a man of few words) simply replies "I have a son....Anneke." Unless they know our family well, they look confused. Then B. simply says "Two is plenty."

Allow me to intoduce...

This blog will introduce you to my amazing courageous kid and our family. Born 12 years ago, natally female - Anneke is gender fluid, and currently deciding which gender s/he would like to become. For anyone who has known A. this is not a shock or recent discovery. Before s/he could speak s/he would rip the dresses of her body. The quintessential "Tom-boy". From age three onward s/he had often referred to herself as male, and is currently toying with male names and images of herself as an adult. For any of you also raising gender fluid (often called gender variant) children, you know the issues - bathrooms, bathing suits, schools, puberty, hormones, depression....you know the issues. A. supports this blog, and will read and approve every entry. As you will learn, s/he is one of the most inspiring and courageous kids you will every meet. As you can imagine, we have been parenting without a map for the past 12 years - I hope through this blog to share some of our challenges. We, her dad and I, have by no means done everything right, but we have tried...as every good parent does.
Welcome to our story.