Becoming Cory - part two

Thanks to the wonders of text messaging Cory did not have to wait to return to school to hear about what kids were saying.

Firstly there were those in his electives with little to no history with Anneke who were shocked to learn she was even nattally female. "that's a girl?!? I thought he was a guy." Well then you can just keep thinking that. Long live the blockers that have kept female puberty at bay.

Next were that friends that already knew. "yup. We know." no shock here.

The hockey academy was a different kettle if fish. After all, the girls were being told they had been dressing (and undressing) with a guy in the room basically, and the guys were going to have another guy join them in their locker room whom they had always known to be female.

As 14 year old boys are prone to do, jokes were made about this. Jokes to no doubt guise their insecurity and discomfort.
"what's he gonna do, wear a strap-on in the locker room?"
Now most parents have envisioned and somewhat prepared for the birds and bees/where do babies come from talk.
Needeless to say I was somewhat underprepared when Cory looked up from his phone and said "mom, what's a strap-on?" Trying to be much more nonchalant than I felt I described the device until he embarrassedly stopped me by saying "I get it mom, you can stop talking now."
Luckily Cory has several close friends who tried their best to shut down teasing.
Ms. L. later told me that several if the hockey academy guys did approach her privately and express concerns. She did her best to explain that Cory has the "brain of the boy, and a body of a girl." One leader within the academy was one such boy. According to Ms. L. he contemplated this slowly and thoughtfully. "I get it...I think" he said.
A friend and I deliberated that if someone respected and liked supported Cory it would go a long way to preventing teasing and bullying.
The other thing that ms. L. pointed out was the fact that Cory was such a great, well liked kid, it would be extremely hard to be mean to him. People were motivated to understand because they liked him so much. She was genuinely impressed at what a wonderful, brave, mature kid I had. The timing couldn't have been better. I needed to be reminded that no matter what Cory walked into the next day, he had the tools to deal with it. And the love and support of many people.
The next day Cory returned to school. I waited until lunch to text him to find out how things were going. This required great restraint on my part I might add.
Getting information out if a 14 year old boy is hard at the best of times
"how's it going?"
"good."
"are people being cool?"
"ya"
"anything bad happen?"
"no"
"I love you"
"you too"
That's all I could get out of him until he got home.
Apparently at an anti-bullying assembly the day before a bunch of the hockey academy guys sat in the back and sang the "transformers" theme song, but changed the lyrics to say "transgender". Cory heard about this and, unfamiliar with the song, asked what the lyrics were. Three guys looked at him like deer in the headlights, two scuttled away leaving one to defend himself.
"uh, I don't really remember" he said. "I'm not mad. I just want to know what the song said"
At that moment the hottest girl in the hockey academy walked up to the group and draped leaned on the poor guy stammering, his friends still lurking to see what he would finally say. Cory continued to ask about the seemingly creative teasing. A. (the gorgeous girl) catches on to the tension and moves to stand next to Cory.
"Do we have a problem here?"
"I just...I ..." he stammered
"I said, do we have a problem here?!"she raised her voice a got in his face a bit clearly suggesting that it you mess with Cory you mess with her.
Well that shut things down pretty completely. The girl every guy is dying to talk to, is Cory's most emphatic defender. This was the leader my friend and I were hoping would appear. Who knew she would be a blonde?

Feeling loved

I am sorry for the long delay. Cory's transition has been going amazingly well. I will post part two this weekend. I think I've been maybe waiting for the shoe to drop, or something to not go well. Mothers worry I suppose.
This note below was in Cory's locker when he returned to school on his first day as Cory after the whole school had been talking about him. If you can't read it, I says we support you and there is a big heart. Words can't even express you much this meant

Becoming Cory - part one

Two weeks ago we had a huge week. Cory transitioned at his high school from Anneke to Cory. To do this we met with the Vancouver Board of Education’s Diversity and Anti-Homophobia worker Maria, to map out a plan. (Yes we have such position in our school board, and I am deeply grateful for that.) She has been like our personal 100 pound purple haired pit-bull, clearly stating that Cory’s transition will proceed smoothly, or they will have to deal with her. I have only really met with Maria twice, but I guarantee I would not want to be on the wrong end of her in any way. Her office was a non-descript, stereotypical beaurocrats cubicle that she transformed into her own personal pride float – a huge Rainbow flag hanging above her desk tops it all off. From the first moment I spoke with her on the phone I knew we would be in good hands.

Next we met with Cory’s vice principle and school counsellor Dr. S and Ms. L. Ms. L is also the staff person for the school’s GSA (Gay Straight Alliance). Another thing I am hugely grateful for since I learned that some school boards are unsupportive of GSA’s in their schools. I had never met Dr. S. before our meeting but was amazed at his matter-of-fact, no bullshit way of approaching things.

The plan would be that Cory stay home from school for two days and a Dr. S. and Ms. L would go to each of his classes and explain that when s/he returned to school s/he would no longer be Anneke, he would be Cory. He would be using the male washrooms, using male pronouns and (most controversially) using the male change room in the Hockey Academy.

When we met Dr. S described the process of discussing Cory’s transition from female to male quite simply. He felt it would be a 5-8 minute conversation tops. With his thick South African accent and his non-nonsense attitude, he simply said, Cory is a young man in our school. We accept diversity; we accept Cory as a young man in our school and demand that everyone here at this school do the same. If they don’t like it they can leave. Period. Cory has told me, this is not a new speech for him and he frequently shows people the door or announces he has school transfer papers at the ready for any student who does not accept others and demonstrates respect and tolerance.

Wow. I was gobsmacked really. He made it sound so simple.

Cory nodded approvingly. Maria, Ms. L and I exchanged glances. Of course we all knew that it might not be so simple. Cory would be at risk of bullying, social isolation and/or physical violence. All of which have happened to other trans kids to varying degrees. I felt a bit like I was sending my kid into a lion’s den, and trusting virtual strangers to keep the lions at bay.
Luckily for us another brave boy forged the way in the Vancouver School board, and they had a template for what worked and what didn’t.
(You can read about Cormack here http://www2.macleans.ca/2011/08/12/when-boys-would -rather-not-be-boys\)

Well, last week Cory stayed home from school for two days and the classes were informed. A little primer was given on what it meant to be transgender, and then all of his classmates were informed that Anneke was transitioning and needed their support and understanding.

I cannot imagine what it would be like to know that my entire high school was talking about me. As a shy, self-conscious teenager, I know I would have rather crawled into a hole and died. The word ‘brave’ just doesn’t seem to cut it.
Cory said from the start of the process that he couldn’t think about the reaction too much. He is already prone to anxiety. It was a wise self-realization. It was something he was going to do no matter what. This was a part of becoming Cory - being himself. This was not a choice. It was part of the journey.

So I suppose, like pulling a Band-Aid off, or jumping in the pool, it was best to just do it. Transition done. No more roadblocks. No more cringing every time someone said she. The next day at school was a hockey day with ice time. Time for the boy’s dressing room in one of the most gendered sports ever known. Perhaps the down side of going stealth in Coquitlam would be he knows what a boy’s locker room is like when everyone is comfortable.

When I asked Cory what the worst reaction would be, he simply stated “It would be if they said nothing. If no one talks to me.” My heart sank. I knew it could happen. And it could happen not because people didn’t understand or didn’t want to be kind. It would be simply because people didn’t know what to say. Awkward silence. I didn’t want to elaborate on any of the bad reactions I had swirling around in my head. I just tried to be positive and supportive.

“It’s going to be fine” I said, “Remember, you haven’t changed really at all. You are the same person. Your friends will all know that.”

The next day Cory returned to school…...

Reaction to follow.

10 Things I Love about my Kids

1. They are the empathetic and non-judgemental people…. The first ones to be friends with the new kid.

2. They will eat almost anything. I have never had a problem with picky eaters. It getting them not to eat that is the challenge.

3. They both enjoy watching and playing hockey. It has given them character and athleticism.

4. They laugh at my jokes. I think they are the only people who think I’m funny.

5. They understand my crazy job and my need for sleep, food and caffeine.

6. They know when I’m grumpy and when to get me sleep, food or caffeine…without me even asking. Good survival instincts if you ask me.

7. They haven’t inherited many of my body issues and walk around naked whenever possible. This applies mainly to Molly, who frequently reports “I am AWESOME!”

8. They are resilient and adaptive. This year has involved many huge life changes. They have both handled it with grace and humour.

9. They can fart and belch as though it were an Olympic sport.

10. They love me back.

Icing on the cake

It's not only a huge accomplishment that Cory is playing boys hockey with the boys and excelling. The icing on the cake is when the team votes him most valuable player, awarding him the team helmet two games this month.
He was embarrassed when I took this photo but I could tell he was proud.

Stealth

Stealth

The term stealth is used to refer to a person who passes as their desired gender at all times, and who has broken contact with everybody who knew their gender history. Thus, everybody around them is unaware that they were not always of the gender presented, and they are effectively invisible within the population of their current gender. In order to live in stealth,[6] an individual has to be extremely passable.

While Cory is not stealth in most of his life he has been stealth this year in boys hockey.

Last Friday was Cory's last game in his new hockey league. As I will detail in a future post we advocated fiercely for Cory to be considered male in his hockey association. It worked and he just finished his first season going stealth as a male player. A huge victory for Cory. It meant the world to him to be one of the guys and to make hockey history.

It's a boy!!!

Well folks. After a long break from blogging, I am happy to report Anneke and I are back to writing. We have a lot of catching up to do, so hopefully the next few weeks will be full of updates that will string the past year together.

The biggest news.....A. has decided to transition to be male.
S/he struggled with this for a while. Being gender fluid for so long s/he really wanted to be considered female but be allowed to take testosterone and have the body he wants. Seems this is so off the grid, our endocrinologist would not approve.

A.'s new name is Cory. It suits him. It's a great name.
Funnily enough it was not on our shortlist of names when we were expecting him almost 15 years ago. Thank you to Cory Schnieder for the inspiration. ;)

The long break from blogging was at Cory's request as he figured out what he wanted to do. Seems the main consideration was hockey. Switching from girls hockey to boys hockey is no small feat. In doing so, he has made history and his dreams of playing in the NHL are alive and well.

Cory has been on testosterone now for 6 weeks. He has grown over 2 inches, his voice is changing, and he is even growing a bit of a movember stach.

I have a son .... an amazing, brave, wonderful son, who is an inspiration and promises to change the world.