Update - Part 1

One of the things I have learned on this journey, is that writing about your child, especially one going through a harder than average existence is hard. What is harder is telling their story as a teen. Thus the break. As many of you know the suicide rate for transgender youth is alarmingly high. I have felt for the past 5 years like I am holding my breath...afraid to breath, to look away for a moment, for fear of the worst. We have had some very very dark days and I'm sure there will be more to come, but I feel now we have navigated the path into adulthood and our family is grounded, well and more and more healthy each day.

Cory is now 19 and doing amazing! I am a proud grateful mom.

He has graduated high school. Is in recovery from addiction, having successfully completed an in patient treatment program after three attempts. Has navigated heartbreak and depression. And now has his first job, and just got another job where he gets to talk about hockey.

I am bursting with pride and eager to start telling his story again. Hopefully he will join in too.

Vancouver pride legacy award nomination

A mom gets to brag right?

http://vancouverpride.ca/cory-oskam-achievement-in-lgbtq-sports-award-nominee/

Cory video

http://vimeo.com/m/64751285

My handsome kid

Aaaaand......we're back!!!

Well, its been a long time since I posted, and for that I apologize. One thing I have learned in our travels in the past few years is that parenting a teenager (or two) is challenging....parenting a trans teen is more than just challenging...it can be exciting, terrifying and joyous all in one. It can also be private and personal, and blogging about your teenagers' journey through dating, sex, heartbreak and hormones seems too personal. Now that Cory is 17, turning 18 in January, we decided to start again, and tell you more about his journey.

For those of you who have not have the honour of meeting my incredible son, Cory is mature beyond his years, kind, political, articulate, smart and still a damn good hockey player. He has become a fierce advocate for transgender and gender non-conforming young people, speaking at conferences and become an integral educator within the Vancouver School Board. He has attended the Nike LGBT sports summit for the past two years trying to affect positive change for LGBT athletes across North America. Like other super hero's he still has his day to day life of high school, hockey and hanging out with friends.

Cory's dad and I have split up and he has moved back to his home in Holland, we moved into a cute house in East Vancouver near his still amazing high school; his sister Molly is now 13, looking 17 and started high school this week.  We are all happy, healthy and thriving. We laugh every day and the trials and tribulations of our unique family. We joke that someone should do a reality show about us....lucky you, if you read this blog, you are witness to our crazy reality.

My star Cory

http://bc.ctvnews.ca/mobile/vancouver-takes-a-stand-against-homophobia-1.1286923

My Amazing Cory

http://vimeo.com/m/64751285

Cory's TV debut

I'm so proud of Cory. He was asked by Breakfast Television to come on with Dr. Metzger and myself to discuss his transition. He continues to impress me with how brave and articulate his is.

http://video.citytv.com/video/detail/2142109533001.000000/jody-talks-with-cory-oskam/

Gender 101

It never hurts to ask

As most of you know there has been an NHL lockout until recently. This has meant no professional hockey for the first half of the season.
When I heard that hockey was back so close to Cory's 16th birthday I had an idea.

What if Cory could be one of those kids that gets to skate on the ice with the players at the beginning of the game?

It's usually a much younger player and I have often coo'ed at how cute the teeny goalie is standing next to the pro. I never really thought it could be Cory. I figured there was an officially process for that player to be selected, but with folks not knowing if a season would even happen.....maybe....

It never hurts to ask.

So I called the Vancouver Canucks. For those who don't know, Cory chose his name as a shoutout to his favourite player, Cory Schneider. Starting this season Cory Scneider is the starting goaltender for the Canucks. How great would that be?!?

I left a long, disjointed message with the community relations person for the Canucks. I did not mention Cory was trans. I mentioned that he had tickets to the game on his 16th birthday and that he was an East side kid that loved Cory Schneider. Rod, the poor soul, who got my rambly mom message, wrote down the info, took interest and lost the information.

The Canucks are deeply committed and connected to their fans and their community....he tracked us down by calling the school. How great is that?!? I also persisted by calling the Canucks again. The first time the protective receptionist would not put me through, as my request was not a priority. Never mess with a mom on a mission. I called back and convinced another reception staff to put me through.

Speaking with Rod I got to tell him about Cory and his transition from female to male, from girls hockey to boys. There was, as there often is, a pregnant pause. Then he said "that's amazing! What a great story? So would Cory like to come on the ice on Wednesday?"

Is rain wet? Yes! Yes! Yes!
Best birthday present ever!!!

My amazing kid!!!

http://canucks.nhl.com/club/news.htm?id=653098

Phew

This is good news. The body scanners have made travel a stressful event for Cory and I. While kids are exempt generally, it requires having a disclosure filled conversation in front of airport staff and passengers.

http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2013/01/18/1471481/victory-for-transgender-privacy-tsa-abandons-nude-body-scanners/

Before becoming Cory

This is Cory in one of the only school pictures we have with a more female appearance. Cory passes so completely now he carries this picture on his phone just to prove to people he was once 'female'.

A year as Cory

As some of you know, about a year ago Cory began his journey to transition to male. Over this past year I have not written much, largely out of respect for the privacy he has wished to preserve around his journey. Being a teenager is tough enough. Being a transgendered teen is even more difficult.
Over the past few months or so, Cory himself has said several times, "we should blog about this!"
The stories are funny, sad, and sometimes angering.

I am very happy to report, we are planning to begin to blog more regularly about Cory's journey, and my journey being his mom. One comment I got a while back, pointed out the I am "nothing special" being the mom of a trans-teen. To be clear, I don't claim to be a 'special' or above-average mom.
Cory would be the first to tell you, I am uniquely flawed as a mom.

Where I do not falter however, is in how much I love and admire my child. He is a brave, wonderful kid, deserving of kudos - not me. Over the past year, he has not only transitioned into a strong, confident young man, he has become a trans activist and a mentor to many other trans, gender-fluid, and gender questioning kids in our community. I can't wait to tell you all more about him and his journey.

Sanfran this year

Cory, Molly and I at the Golden Gate Bridge after the Gender Spectrum Families Conference

Back to School!

First so sorry to any regular readers for the long break. It's very hard to know what is ok and not ok to share in the life of a 15 year old transgendered boy. As the summer past however Cory often would laugh at our unique situations and say 'mom, you should blog about this."

So here we go....lots to report!

Tomorrow is the first day of school here in Vancouver. It's the first September Cory will be starting school as Cory and as a boy in the Hockey Academy near our house. He unfortunately has a concussion from taking a puck to the head last week, but luckily it's not severe.

After much adjustment last year the boys (and girls) in the Hockey Academy accept him as one of the guys. Do I still hold my breath a bit every time he goes to school?

Yes.

Do I still worry about depression, bullying, dating, hormones, and about 100 other unique things parents of gender variant kids worry about?

Yes.

What I take comfort in is what a great mature brave son I have. And then I try to breathe.

New Pads for Cory

Cory is a hockey fanatic, both as a player and a fan. He even chose the name of his favourite player - Cory Schneider.
Today we got to buy his goalie pads used in last years season. They were even used in the Stanley Cup playoffs. He is so happy. Today was a good day.

Becoming Cory - part two

Thanks to the wonders of text messaging Cory did not have to wait to return to school to hear about what kids were saying.

Firstly there were those in his electives with little to no history with Anneke who were shocked to learn she was even nattally female. "that's a girl?!? I thought he was a guy." Well then you can just keep thinking that. Long live the blockers that have kept female puberty at bay.

Next were that friends that already knew. "yup. We know." no shock here.

The hockey academy was a different kettle if fish. After all, the girls were being told they had been dressing (and undressing) with a guy in the room basically, and the guys were going to have another guy join them in their locker room whom they had always known to be female.

As 14 year old boys are prone to do, jokes were made about this. Jokes to no doubt guise their insecurity and discomfort.
"what's he gonna do, wear a strap-on in the locker room?"
Now most parents have envisioned and somewhat prepared for the birds and bees/where do babies come from talk.
Needeless to say I was somewhat underprepared when Cory looked up from his phone and said "mom, what's a strap-on?" Trying to be much more nonchalant than I felt I described the device until he embarrassedly stopped me by saying "I get it mom, you can stop talking now."
Luckily Cory has several close friends who tried their best to shut down teasing.
Ms. L. later told me that several if the hockey academy guys did approach her privately and express concerns. She did her best to explain that Cory has the "brain of the boy, and a body of a girl." One leader within the academy was one such boy. According to Ms. L. he contemplated this slowly and thoughtfully. "I get it...I think" he said.
A friend and I deliberated that if someone respected and liked supported Cory it would go a long way to preventing teasing and bullying.
The other thing that ms. L. pointed out was the fact that Cory was such a great, well liked kid, it would be extremely hard to be mean to him. People were motivated to understand because they liked him so much. She was genuinely impressed at what a wonderful, brave, mature kid I had. The timing couldn't have been better. I needed to be reminded that no matter what Cory walked into the next day, he had the tools to deal with it. And the love and support of many people.
The next day Cory returned to school. I waited until lunch to text him to find out how things were going. This required great restraint on my part I might add.
Getting information out if a 14 year old boy is hard at the best of times
"how's it going?"
"good."
"are people being cool?"
"ya"
"anything bad happen?"
"no"
"I love you"
"you too"
That's all I could get out of him until he got home.
Apparently at an anti-bullying assembly the day before a bunch of the hockey academy guys sat in the back and sang the "transformers" theme song, but changed the lyrics to say "transgender". Cory heard about this and, unfamiliar with the song, asked what the lyrics were. Three guys looked at him like deer in the headlights, two scuttled away leaving one to defend himself.
"uh, I don't really remember" he said. "I'm not mad. I just want to know what the song said"
At that moment the hottest girl in the hockey academy walked up to the group and draped leaned on the poor guy stammering, his friends still lurking to see what he would finally say. Cory continued to ask about the seemingly creative teasing. A. (the gorgeous girl) catches on to the tension and moves to stand next to Cory.
"Do we have a problem here?"
"I just...I ..." he stammered
"I said, do we have a problem here?!"she raised her voice a got in his face a bit clearly suggesting that it you mess with Cory you mess with her.
Well that shut things down pretty completely. The girl every guy is dying to talk to, is Cory's most emphatic defender. This was the leader my friend and I were hoping would appear. Who knew she would be a blonde?

Feeling loved

I am sorry for the long delay. Cory's transition has been going amazingly well. I will post part two this weekend. I think I've been maybe waiting for the shoe to drop, or something to not go well. Mothers worry I suppose.
This note below was in Cory's locker when he returned to school on his first day as Cory after the whole school had been talking about him. If you can't read it, I says we support you and there is a big heart. Words can't even express you much this meant

Becoming Cory - part one

Two weeks ago we had a huge week. Cory transitioned at his high school from Anneke to Cory. To do this we met with the Vancouver Board of Education’s Diversity and Anti-Homophobia worker Maria, to map out a plan. (Yes we have such position in our school board, and I am deeply grateful for that.) She has been like our personal 100 pound purple haired pit-bull, clearly stating that Cory’s transition will proceed smoothly, or they will have to deal with her. I have only really met with Maria twice, but I guarantee I would not want to be on the wrong end of her in any way. Her office was a non-descript, stereotypical beaurocrats cubicle that she transformed into her own personal pride float – a huge Rainbow flag hanging above her desk tops it all off. From the first moment I spoke with her on the phone I knew we would be in good hands.

Next we met with Cory’s vice principle and school counsellor Dr. S and Ms. L. Ms. L is also the staff person for the school’s GSA (Gay Straight Alliance). Another thing I am hugely grateful for since I learned that some school boards are unsupportive of GSA’s in their schools. I had never met Dr. S. before our meeting but was amazed at his matter-of-fact, no bullshit way of approaching things.

The plan would be that Cory stay home from school for two days and a Dr. S. and Ms. L would go to each of his classes and explain that when s/he returned to school s/he would no longer be Anneke, he would be Cory. He would be using the male washrooms, using male pronouns and (most controversially) using the male change room in the Hockey Academy.

When we met Dr. S described the process of discussing Cory’s transition from female to male quite simply. He felt it would be a 5-8 minute conversation tops. With his thick South African accent and his non-nonsense attitude, he simply said, Cory is a young man in our school. We accept diversity; we accept Cory as a young man in our school and demand that everyone here at this school do the same. If they don’t like it they can leave. Period. Cory has told me, this is not a new speech for him and he frequently shows people the door or announces he has school transfer papers at the ready for any student who does not accept others and demonstrates respect and tolerance.

Wow. I was gobsmacked really. He made it sound so simple.

Cory nodded approvingly. Maria, Ms. L and I exchanged glances. Of course we all knew that it might not be so simple. Cory would be at risk of bullying, social isolation and/or physical violence. All of which have happened to other trans kids to varying degrees. I felt a bit like I was sending my kid into a lion’s den, and trusting virtual strangers to keep the lions at bay.
Luckily for us another brave boy forged the way in the Vancouver School board, and they had a template for what worked and what didn’t.
(You can read about Cormack here http://www2.macleans.ca/2011/08/12/when-boys-would -rather-not-be-boys\)

Well, last week Cory stayed home from school for two days and the classes were informed. A little primer was given on what it meant to be transgender, and then all of his classmates were informed that Anneke was transitioning and needed their support and understanding.

I cannot imagine what it would be like to know that my entire high school was talking about me. As a shy, self-conscious teenager, I know I would have rather crawled into a hole and died. The word ‘brave’ just doesn’t seem to cut it.
Cory said from the start of the process that he couldn’t think about the reaction too much. He is already prone to anxiety. It was a wise self-realization. It was something he was going to do no matter what. This was a part of becoming Cory - being himself. This was not a choice. It was part of the journey.

So I suppose, like pulling a Band-Aid off, or jumping in the pool, it was best to just do it. Transition done. No more roadblocks. No more cringing every time someone said she. The next day at school was a hockey day with ice time. Time for the boy’s dressing room in one of the most gendered sports ever known. Perhaps the down side of going stealth in Coquitlam would be he knows what a boy’s locker room is like when everyone is comfortable.

When I asked Cory what the worst reaction would be, he simply stated “It would be if they said nothing. If no one talks to me.” My heart sank. I knew it could happen. And it could happen not because people didn’t understand or didn’t want to be kind. It would be simply because people didn’t know what to say. Awkward silence. I didn’t want to elaborate on any of the bad reactions I had swirling around in my head. I just tried to be positive and supportive.

“It’s going to be fine” I said, “Remember, you haven’t changed really at all. You are the same person. Your friends will all know that.”

The next day Cory returned to school…...

Reaction to follow.